Dinner Questions

From time to time, our Kalchaino gathering is over dinner. 

To facilitate scintillating dinner conversation, we put a bunch of questions into a basket which people drew out. You could choose to answer, start a conversation or pass it on to someone else to answer…
Whether people shared answers aloud to particular questions or not, it was acknowledged that simply hearing the questions and asking ourselves the questions internally was important. We were prompted to pay attention to our lives in new ways and consider our experiences from different perspectives. 

Dinner Questions – July 7, 2019

What is something you have stopped this year that has changed your daily life?

What is something you have started this year that has changed your daily life?

Describe a seemingly small moment recently that has stayed in your memory and makes you smile...

Describe an unexpected conversation you have had recently. What was interesting to you about it?

If you were listing the things that enable you to thrive in life, what would they be? Share one or two…

What activity takes up most of your time at present? How is this for you?

What thinking pattern takes up most of your mind at this time? How is this for you? 

What aspect of your personality do you like and find works well for you? Because…

Is there an aspect of your personality you would like to moderate? Because…

Describe someone who has had a significant influence on you and how this has shaped you.

What is a decision you have made recently, big or small, that has improved your wellbeing?





Self Understanding, Self Growth (part two)

Today’s session followed on from our previous gathering, where we explored self understanding through the use of the personality tool – The Enneagram. This tool invites an insightful understanding of self and our way of being in the world. It is very in-depth and has many layers to explore. In this session we explored the triads of The Enneagram .


The Enneagram is divided into three groups of three, called the triads. Each triad has a primary intelligence; a primary space from which we operate, from which we make sense of the world and from which we react and make decisions. Within each triad are three of the nine Enneagram types. 


The triads reveal the principal ways we perceive the world. Recognising our triad gives us a deeper understanding of how we usually operate in the world, what we could do less of, and what we could do more of. The other two triads show us where our blindspots or weaknesses may be. Understanding all three is a helpful way of expanding our self-awareness and understanding of others.

IMG_2144 (1)


Participants began by using a body outline to note their own observations. They were invited to mark head, heart and gut centres and note when they were aware of operating from these spaces, when they were aware of  their everyday reactions as thoughts (head), feelings (heart), or senses (gut)…

We discussed instances of decision making and how we approached the process of making decisions we know are right for us. Participants tried to identify the involvement of their head, heart and gut in the process.



Whilst we may be able to communicate better with people in our own triad, relationships with people from other triads can help bring elements of our personality into balance. One of the Enneagram’s goals is to teach us to observe and harmonise all three centres within us.

When our head, heart and gut centres are aligned, we will feel more whole, centered and balanced. It will be easier to function fully and creatively in our daily life.

The Enneagram’s emphasis on growth invites us towards true, deep integration where we can comfortably access the intelligence of all triads and visit the spaces of each of the nine types with ease. This enables us to always see fresh perspectives, make sense of the world more fully, relate more wholly and feel more at ease in any situation.

Further notes from the session are attached, including a list of resources for further personal research. These notes are only a brief overview of a detailed subject.

Kalchaino – Enneagram – head, heart, gut

Self Understanding, Self Growth (part one)


Perhaps the most significant journey, for all humans to make, is the journey into self awareness, the journey of growth towards inner freedom and wholeness.

There are many metaphors and descriptors for this journey; darkness to light, sleeping to waking, unawareness to enlightenment. Many images help us too, such as images of climbing mountains or reaching tree tops, images of paths, roads, bridges, tunnels and staircases.


There are also many, many tools for assisting us on this journey of personal growth.
An ancient, tried and tested tool is The Enneagram.
Today’s gathering was a workshop about The Enneagram.
Participants were introduced to the tool and its usefulness and given the opportunity to consider how it might be applied to them and assist them in their understanding of themselves and their way of being in the world.

By way of introduction, leaders shared how The Enneagram had been significant in their lives. Anecdotes expressed how it enabled them to see their motivations and actions more clearly and name the falsities and truth of themselves. It freed them to operate differently and more honestly. It explained them to themselves and gave a sense of there being others who also thought and felt as they did and experienced life from their particular perspective. It showed that there were multiple ways of being whole and well in the world – not just one right way, and thus there were multiple ways of choosing helpful or unhelpful actions. It also showed that the same actions can come from very different motivations and likewise the same actions might be healthy or unhealthy for different personality types. It enabled greater self understanding as well as more genuine understanding and compassion towards others. 

The Enneagram is a rich tool that bears much more in-depth exploration, if you are interested in truly understanding yourself and giving yourself a deeper perspective on your way of being in the world.
It is a tool that enables you to gain insight into ways you can grow into a healthy, whole human, living from a place of inner freedom and open-hearted spaciousness.

Attached are the summative notes that were used at the workshop, including the link to a website with detailed information for further exploration. 

Kalchaino – Enneagram Notes



Welcoming Guests

Part One

Today at our gathering, participants began with paper and pencils and were invited to draw, in response to the following suggestions…
Picture a guest house…perhaps it’s a B&B…or a holiday house… design it however you like…
Choose any location for this guest house… suburbs, coast, countryside…wherever you like…but locate in a place that is transient…there are people coming and going pretty often…

Now picture the guests… Who is arriving each day? What are they like? What do the bring? Do they have a lot of baggage? What expressions are on their faces? 

As the owner of the guest house you are obliged to let everyone stay…it’s your livelihood… but how do these arrivals effect you? Who irritates? Who is enlivening? Who is amusing? Who is annoying? Who is demanding? Who is undemanding but deserves some attention?

When finished with drawing, people shared their illustrations…what kind of guest house they had drawn, what kinds of guests were coming or going…

We then shared this poem:

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honourably,
s/he may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought,
the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

 رومی محمد الدینجلال
Jalāl ad-Dīn Rūmī


Participants then reflected on how the words of the poem interacted with their artwork, now that they see the Guest House as being themselves. IF the guest are our emotions, arriving unexpectedly, uninvited from day to day, how do we interact with them? Are we welcoming of all guests? 

We wondered about the ways we name the different ‘guests’ that arrive in us each day, how we react and respond to them, how we greet these guests, deal with them, speak with them, manage their demands…
What have been our reactions to these guests in the past week or so?

Shut them in the back room? Close the door? Ignore? Welcome openly? Shake off? Distract yourself with them?

We discussed what it might mean to welcome all guests?
Why would we welcome anger or grief or meanness?

What do we usually hear as strategies for navigating so called negative emotions?
What it might it feel like to greet them? Serve them? Entertain them?
What does honouring each mean?
What does the line ‘meet them at the door laughing’ open up as an image?
What might each guest offer? Teach? Guide us towards?

Part Two

From an extensive selection of photographs of doors, participants chose a door that appealed to them, for any reason.
They then looked at the photos again, and let one choose them…

In pairs, we studied the photos in more depth and asked:
What do you notice? What wasn’t obvious at first? What was your initial reasons for choosing it? What details seem important? 

Now Imagine one door is the door to your inner world. Your inner world is your place of constant thoughts, feelings, memories, consciousness…

If this first photo is a door to your inner world, what does it suggest to you and how do you respond to that?
How often do you open it? How often do you go through it? How do you pay attention to what is behind it or beyond it?

Now Imagine the second door is the door to your inner room. Your inner room is a metaphor for your deepest interior, your contemplative space… the inner place that is beneath the inner world of thoughts and feelings.
How often do you open this door? How often do you go through it? How do you pay attention to what is behind it or beyond it?

Consider – the inner room is the place of ultimate hospitality to self, where we are beneath the constant chatter of our inner world and held in a deeper reality. To come our from this inner room into ourselves and into the world enables us to live with a different kind of energy. We can experience a truer sense of identity, a whole different way of sourcing ourselves. Our awareness of our own inner room can enable a different kind of responsiveness to all that arrives in us as ‘guests.’



The word ‘gathering’ is used in a range of contexts, both for describing visible actions as well as less visible states of being. Birds gather materials for their nests, their homes; and many species gather together to roost over night. Humans, being complex creatures, also have many ways of gathering. 


Gathering Ourselves

When we feel ‘gathered’ ourselves, we feel well and whole, centered and grounded. We feel we know who we are and what we are about. We tend to feel at ease.
It can be helpful for us to know what it is we do to enable this feeling of gatheredness. What do we do to ‘gather’ ourselves?

To explore this, it can be helpful to wonder about the opposite state, to ask
“What is our experience of feeling UNgathered? ”
Often we use expressions like ‘I’m all over the shop’ or ‘I’m feeling scattered.’
Once again the birds capture this:
(Kate Knupp, Twigseeds, 2008)

Participants used words and sketches to show what feeling ungathered and gathered can be like for them. Conversing about our artworks showed that we all have experiences of these states of being.
Feeling ungathered includes feeling messy, chaotic, reactive, overwhelmed, buzzy, cluttered and cranky! Some of us are aware that we might take it out on others a little, mostly unintentionally of course! Others of us tend to withdraw and become less available to others.
When we are feeling gathered, we feel sorted, calm, spacious, more positively connected to others, more at ease, more able to respond to daily living, more able to enjoy leisure time and more able to enjoy and manage life.

We also talked about how we are often aware of the contrasting states in other people we know in work/uni/community contexts- we tend to prefer to avoid the scatty, unpredictable types and feel attracted to people who seem to have an inner calm and steadiness about them. 

Regathering ourselves

The capacity to regather ourselves is important to foster. We are more able to live well, relate well, feel well when we are gathered. That is, we are more able to be optimistic, hopeful, self-caring, energised and more able to be authentic and integrated in the world beyond. To be human is to experience both states and everything in between. As much as we might like to be in a perpetual state of zen-like calm, it is not how daily life plays out. We cannot actually avoid difficulties and stress – but we can have healthy ways to navigate life’s challenges and return ourselves to a place of feeling gathered.
We can learn ways to ‘pull ourselves together.’
From a centered place, we can engage positively with all that surrounds us.


So a helpful question to ask is:
What brings us back to centre/meaning/ground/rest/ease from places of distraction,  overwhelm, scatteredness or fragmentation?

Mark Nepo calls regathering ‘The Practice of Return’
The Practice of Return
You can read Nepo’s thoughts about this via the above link.

We discussed our personal practices of return; the ways we have learnt to restore our own sense of wellbeing. Strategies included getting more sleep, having a change of scene, going for a walk, meditating, doing some art, writing in a journal, being in nature. We agreed that learning to catch ourselves becoming scattered was important and reminding ourselves to listen to what we needed helped us.
We also talked about further practices of return we might like to foster. 

Gathering in Community

A significant aspect of our wellbeing is our sense of connection to others, our sense of belonging to community. As well as having personal practices of return, we often need each other to help us find our way through a challenge and into a place of ease. We can do some things for ourselves and yet often we need the companionship and encouragement of others along the way.
We opened up some conversation about how gathering as community can be a powerful practice of return.  There’s something about the collective energy of intentional gathering which enables/fosters our capacity to ‘return’.

There is some interesting info coming out of  USA about the gathering together of groups of ‘millennials’. ‘How We Gather’ is a movement focused on understanding what the millennial generation is seeking personally and communally and ways that this generation find it meaningful to gather.

In conversation, we considered the participants’ sense of what millennials seek, what they and others are searching for, and what and how they are finding it.

The following story, told by Mark Nepo, captures something noteworthy about the difference between recognising someone/having an acquaintance and knowing another more personally, vulnerably, truthfully in ways that are significant for our sense of connectedness with others. 

Life Around the Fire

My neighbour and I wave to each other through the trees, though we don’t even know each other’s name. After a snowstorm, we worm our way out. I admit it’s comforting to see another in the open, leaning on his shovel, his breath clouding as he looks again to the sky. There’s something primal in knowing that we each have a fire we huddle around. I love clearing the path to our door and leaving the light on.

But if my fire should go out, would he let me in? And for how long? This is a uniquely human dilemma. We struggle with it every time we look away from the homeless. Different cultures have different ways of holding the question. The Balinese leave food on their steps for the kind stranger they’ve yet to meet. The Connecticut Yankee trains his daughter in etiquette and social registry. This is still different from the Holocaust survivor who leaves the door open for an angel he’s never seen while guarding against every noise. I lean on my shovel in the snow and my neighbour waves back. For which I am glad. And today, I don’t feel the need to know his name or story. Yet isn’t it in the steps between our friendly wave and our life around the fire that the work of real community waits?

~Mark Nepo~



Being Gathered
As well as gathering ourselves and gathering in community, many people have a sense of being gathered, of their lives being held by Something or Someone larger than they, of being energised by an energy beyond themselves. Maybe we call this God; maybe we have others words or images.
When we are attune to this, our lives can have a richer quality, we can have a deeper sense of ourselves, we see the way our life and all its threads are connected and we have a sense of the meaning of things. We experience ourselves as held.


After sharing Mary Oliver’s poem ‘Praying’ (below) we talked about the ways we might pay attention and so have silence and spaciousness in our lives. We considered our personal sense of being gathered in by something/Someone beyond ourselves. We wondered together about the search for the sacred and its importance and centrality to life. 



It doesn’t have to be
the blue iris, it could be
weeds in a vacant lot, or a few
small stones; just
pay attention, then patch

a few words together and don’t try
to make them elaborate, this isn’t
a contest but the doorway

into thanks, and a silence in which
another voice may speak.

Mary Oliver

Words To Live By


Just one word
Words are rich in their capacity to convey multiple meanings and to carry more than simply a definition. They can be meaningful to us for their association, their possibility, their inspiration. Words can be a resource for us as we learn to discern decisions and shape our lives.  Today’s theme had a focus on words and how a few words, when carefully chosen, can carry much meaning and energy for our lives.

We began our gathering today by sharing around the circle just one word or short phrase that we felt captured something about where we were in this moment; since our last gathering, in the light of the start of a new year, about what lay ahead, or just for this particular day…

Words shared included: content, busy-fun-new, full, one-at-a-time, curious, cresting, changes, today-is-quiet…

We let these words simple be in the space, without comment or discussion…we shared some silence together…


The word ‘Ambition’
We recalled previous gatherings where we have talked about the way in which we choose to shape our lives and the invitation to live vocationally rather than in a highly planned way. At the beginning of a year, it can be helpful to remind ourselves of what this looks like or means for us individually.

The pressure is often to live a very planned life – in which we tick off the list of supposedly highly regarded pre-determined achievements (career, mortgage, superannuation, family) and within these things to have five and ten year goals measured against performance indicators. Often this is characterised as having appropriate and commendable ambition and a right and mature outlook on life.

However, is it not worth asking whether this is the only way to live life and what other ways there may be?

David Whyte, poet and philosopher, has reflected on the deeper, layered meaning of many different words, in his book ‘Consolations’. His reflection on the word ‘Ambition’ is rich and provocative. Here is the link to the handout: Ambition

After some quiet time by ourselves we regathered to discuss this handout. We explored questions such as: What struck you? What was confusing? What don’t you get? What makes sense to you? What sounds scary or freeing? Did particular phrases appeal or repel? What do you make of these ideas?

A dynamic discussion ensued in which there was general agreement that these thoughts really challenged the view that ambition was highly admirable and desirable. We explored the idea that there is a fuller, more wholistic, more spacious and potentially more adventurous way to approach a life that is deeply worth living.

Charisms in Community
For centuries, communities around the world have had charisms, significant words, that describe and inspire their way of life. This is particularly true monastic communities or other intentional communal groups. Charisms are deeper than goals and values but aim to capture a way of being in the world that is both invitational and responsive. For example, Benedictine communities have the charisms:  The Northumbrian community have the words: Vulnerability and Availability. Our own Benedictus community has the charisms: Hospitality, Silence, Discernment, Reconciliation, and Adventure. 

Charisms are unifying for a community. They capture what we offer as well as to what we aspire. They become something to which people can be true but in a dynamic of responsiveness rather than fixedness.

Individual Charisms
Individually we can also choose words in this way. It can be a way for us to both name what is significant to us as well as what we are inspired by. It can help us name our truest qualities as well as our wholehearted hope. Charisms can help us measure our way of living in terms of its congruence with our deepest, truest selves.

Many, many words can be charisms. There are no right and wrong – there are just some words that speak more to us that others. And it can be different for each individual.
Some examples were placed in the centre:


Participants were invited to take some time to reflect on words that carried meaning for them and to create an artwork around these. It was suggested that this was just an initial exploration and that it could take much more time for a word or two to really settle into us and ‘our’ words. We chatted about how it was helpful to decide on a few words – that too many is cumbersome, one might not be enough but sometimes one word can capture a lot. For example, the one word ‘Pilgrimage’ captures many layers of meaning and is sufficient in itself as a charism. For other people, a few words have energy.

Here are the artworks that people created, as at least a starting point for this process:

Instead of living by the rules that are determined externally to us, this process invites us to discover ways to live by a rule of life. A rule of life is a way of living that is from within us, from a deeper place, and thus becomes more authentic and rich throughout our lives. Charisms offer a way to live by a deep truth rather than a regime of goals. Having some significant words to return to can be a resource for us, helping us peel back to the core of what matters to us. We can use our charisms as a way to make decisions about what feels truly right for us in our choices. Charisms can give shape to the way we live our lives, both in the everyday and in the bigger picture.

Thresholds and Transitions

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When we venture out into the world on a journey of any kind, we expect to find twists and turns in the road, hills and valleys to navigate, and crossroads where we need to make decisions about directions. Sometimes a road may seem to end or an unexpected landscape appears. This imagery is so rich that it is frequently used as metaphor for the journey of life; the journey of our circumstances and our inner world. We find ourselves on a threshold where something is ending and something else is beginning. We find ourselves at a crossroads where significant decisions will shape the future pathway.  We may feel we are sometimes at a cliff edge, a rickety bridge, an unclear corner or a stretch of misty track.

Though sometimes unsettling – or downright terrifying! – these times of transition, of stepping across thresholds, are highly significant for us; not only because they shape our circumstances but because they often open us up in new ways and provide opportunities for self-growth and understanding. This is often more apparent when we look back and remember the significance of such experiences and how they changed us, gave us opportunities, taught us new perspectives, shaped our lives in lasting ways…

We are coming to the end of a year. The end of one year and the start of  new year is a regular threshold of sorts for all of us. It is commonly a time when things stop and start and change and we reflect back and look forward. For many people, the end of a year is also a time of significant transitions – school years or courses of study end, new jobs begin, living arrangements may change, summer travel plans evolve. Many of us are on the threshold of new experiences that are about to unfold. Many of us may be grappling with how to shape the life we long for in the coming year…

Reflecting in Three Steps
Firstly, we shared our personal summary of  the circumstances of this year, the basic facts that described what we had been doing and where this had got us at this moment in time.

Secondly, we selected a picture from the stimulus cards ‘STONES’
 that captured something of how we felt about the year’s circumstances, the feeling quality we are left with, how we ‘are’ with how our year has been.

Thirdly, we considered what was next for us –  it could be an
 obvious what’s next in terms of a significant transition or it could be a more subtle shift that reflects a desire to generate some changes or aspire to new goals… We each selected another stone picture that captured what we saw ahead for us and perhaps gave us a word or image about what we hoped the future held for us, what it might offer us and feel like. 

STONES… have feelings too! (St Luke’s Innovative Resources)

The Self We Are
Thresholds and transitions offer us many opportunities, including scope to reflect on the self we are and the self we are becoming. Who are we in the world and how do we offer ourselves?
When we are at points of change or possibility, there is the opportunity to become aware of the self we want to be in the new place, the identity we have or anticipate having. In new places we become particularly aware of the regard others have for us and how we are seen. Sometimes this can make us nervous or unsure.
In any new circumstance, we are strengthened by having a sense of our own integrity and the capacity to stand for what we stand for, rather than being tossed by the whims and wishes of others. We are strengthened and made confident by having a sense of ourselves beneath the surface. Then, as we form new relationships, navigate authority figures, allocate time and sift priorities, we are able to do so from a more centered, self-knowing place.

Poem – ‘For the Traveller’ by John O’Donohue (click link to read this poem)
For the Traveller

To facilitate our conversation about these ideas, we read and discussed O’Donohue’s poem, keeping in mind that ‘travel’ here meant ‘going forth’ in any sense.

When we are at a threshold in life, it helps to take time to pause and listen to what is deepest within us, to get in touch with ourselves and our deepest realities. Pausing and listening enable a steadier going forth. When we take time to bless our going forth and free our hearts of ballast, then we enter new phases of life more lightly and openly.

Hexagons Exercise
This activity enabled us to look at how we have been, how people have seen us and related to us up to now, and then to reflect on what is important about that, what might we have kept hidden that we may like to show a little more and then if there are ways we hope to grow and change into our future. As we used words to describe ourselves, we were careful not to categorise adjectives as positive or negative but to see that all words have layers of meaning.

Participants collected a selection of coloured hexagons and pens.
1. Write a word or phrase on a hexagon that summarises how others would describe you.
eg If you were being farewelled from a place (home, work, school, uni) what might be said about you in a farewell speech? What might be named? What is your sense of what others see in you?

2. What is your sense of how true these are? What would you add? What of these things might encourage you to aspire to something more or different? What suggests that there is something they are missing or don’t know? What else would you say about yourself? Are there things you would like people to know about you? Write down some other words that you would like to include.

3. Now consider your personal aspirations. What of these might be qualities you want to take with you, hold on to, nourish in yourself? Are there other words that capture something new or fresh that you would like to bring to new contexts? Are there qualities you would like to foster a little more in yourself? Note all of these.

4. Look at the hexagons are see what you notice. Place them onto a sheet of paper in a way that is meaningful for you. How do they connect to each other? how do they show shifts? Do they create a pattern or a pathway? What do they help you recognise and how do they help you see forward?

5. Share your reflections with others or comment on how the exercise felt for you…


As we reflect…
It is important, when considering our ways of being, to thank the things that have got us here. Even attributes or patterns that we may wish to change have potentially been important in helping us in some way. Part of moving forward is to thank that which has got us to here, to be thankful for the ways of being that have helped us in our lives til now.

From this place, we can be open to allowing change. We can remind ourselves to be open to new ways of being that free us. We can embrace fresh ways of being that enable us to cross thresholds with confidence and hope.

When we look for inspiration in our faith tradition, we can see that rather than being about a moral code, Jesus was all about integrity and wholeness. Rather than providing us with life rules, Jesus invites us to seek what is deeply life-giving. Our lives are richly shaped when we seek that which makes us feel alive and free and whole. 

Living from within a deeper reality, grounded in the Source of all life, we find ourselves able to walk into our futures with a sense of being held and enabled. We feel anchored in choppy seas, we are less frazzled and undone by confusing experiences, we learn to understand ourselves and our lives from within a deeper context. 

The gift of a meditation practice is that it helps us to live contemplatively, daily connecting to our deepest self and the deeper reality of God. We live from a grounded place.

Headspace is a meditation app that offers a simple and encouraging way to foster a daily meditation practice. You can trial it for free and subscribe for a wide variety of themed and guided meditation series. Just search: Headspace.com